It's all so fresh right now, perhaps my perspectives will change with time. I just need a space to put my words. I needed to see my reality in a physical way. I guess I'll start at the beginning, the only logical place to start, which would be this summer.
I was getting the "when is the next baby" hints a lot more and I was beginning to get quite defensive. I literally would have moments in my day where something would happen and I was say, "See God, this is why I can't have another baby right now." I was thorough in my list of reasons and I went over it almost daily. Now I can see this nagging inside me that something was compelling me to start the process of another pregnancy. However, I fought it with every ounce of stubborn will power I could muster. I'd gotten so defensive my husband didn't bring the subject up and cringed if it did come up in a social setting. However, we'd just been on a trip together and the subject finally did come up between us. It was a beautiful experience we both had, in a car, driving home from Denver. We knew without any doubt our selfish reasonings were hollow and that it was time for another baby. The one word we both were left with was faith. Begin in faith and everything else will be taken care of. With that we didn't hesitate anymore and actually became quite excited about it.
Fast forward one month and...
Pregnant!
I was tracking my cycle and new right when I was ovulating. I had never done that before, but I was set on having a June baby and knew my window for that was short. I was only a day late when I took the first test and tried not to get my hopes up. The second line was so faint I decided it needed another go. The next day I took another test and there was no question, WE WERE PREGNANT! I was only 4 weeks and had never found out that early before. I knew it was going to be hard to have to wait a while to tell people and even go to my first doctors appointment. However, there was something kind of fun and special just sharing this secret with Jordan. It was fun day dreaming about all the things that happen with pregnancy and a new baby. June was already too far away!
October 13th - 5 Weeks 5 Days
It was such a normal day. We all had dentist appointments in the morning. I was getting my teeth cleaned and the hygienists asked if I was on birth control. I thought that's a funny questions, and told her that I was actually pregnant. She said she could tell I was pregnant because of how my gums were reacting. It was the first of what I thought would be many moments of getting to share my exciting news with someone.
Miscarriage
It started with an intense cramp and a rush of blood. I ran to the bathroom and was horrified by the amount and bright red color. I knew this wasn't good. The cramping and bleeding got worse with every minute. I called my midwife and explained everything. She didn't sugar coat things and let me know that she was fairly certain I was experiencing a miscarriage. We talked everything through and I was right on the verge of loosing it as we hung up.
I ran to my closet away from my kids and curled up on the floor and cried.
I really didn't know anything about having a miscarriage. I had been to prenatal classes, read books on pregnancy, had already had 2 healthy children and never had I received detailed information about miscarriages. It was always something that happened to someones else. It wasn't going to happen to me and so I never gave it much thought.
It isn't an event that is quickly handled. It's a drawn out process both physically and mentally. I'm only on day 3 and still cramping and bleeding. It's like going through the process of a healthy pregnancy, but accelerated. The joy of conceiving, the excitement of pregnancy only no physical representation of your baby. Then you endure something close to labor and delivery and postpartum without any baby to love and nurture.
The world didn't even know I was pregnant they certainly didn't know I've lost something. I feel stuck in this in-between area. To the outside everything is normal, but inside nothing feels normal. It's hard to know what to feel or how to respond.
Sometimes I feel like a phony. Like my grief should be less and no big deal compared to other mother's losses. Like because it was an early miscarriage it shouldn't hurt too bad or take too long to get over. However, my grief is real. I've never experienced this feeling before. I really can't put it into words. That's what makes me know that I'm not a phony, because any mother that has experienced any loss of a child in anyway already knows that grief. It's something that doesn't just go away with time. I think it is something that stays. Like I said, I'm far from an expert and I am still in the middle of this process, but I'll always remember October 13th and always think of June 17, 2017 and the baby that will never celebrate that birthday.
My Baby
You were mine for 10 days. I loved you and your Dad loved you. You were prayed for and wanted. I've had several people try and reassure me that there was nothing I did wrong or that there was something abnormal with the embryo to cause this. I know they all mean well, but honestly the why hasn't entered my mind at all. That reminder of Faith has been there the whole time and I trust that Heavenly Father is handling my little angels spirit until it is ready to come down here. I also know that this experience was for my benefit and although there is grief involved it is lined with joy and relief through the Savior.
I can't wait until I can meet this next spirit that is meant for our family. I already know that the lessons and growth waiting for me are going to mold me into a better person. I know through my faith that I will overcome any obstacle and be able to find the joy and growth in the journey.
What I Now Know About Miscarriage
This experience is still unfolding for me, but I feel like I've learned so much about it already. Part of what has made this so hard was the unkown. No one talks about miscarriages, no explains the pain, the physical experience, the emotional journey. No one talks about the chances. That 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. No one tells you it is ok to mourn a 5 week pregnancy. No one tells you that you're grief for that early loss isn't a comparison to the loss of another mothers. I want to talk about it. It happened. It was real and it will happen to other mothers who don't know anything about it. I want to break this taboo subject so that someone else isn't isolated by this experience. 20% of all pregnancies end with a loss and we should rally together not suffer in silence. If you know of someone who has had a miscarriage or infant loss don't offer empty words or give sympathetic looks. Reach out and hold their hand, tell them you are so sorry for their loss and pray for their comfort through the process.
*I know that what was taken from me may not have been a fully formed baby, but the promise, excitement, and joy of that baby is gone. It leaves a hole.
*I know that any loss is significant to a mother, and that no loss should be treated the same or rationalized.
*I know the physical experience of a miscarriage was an eye opener. I thought it was a couple hour event that started quickly and ended quickly. I had no idea it would be days and days of cramping and bleeding. Constant reminders that you are no longer pregnant. Constant physical proof that you will not give birth to a baby.
*I know that I can hardly wait until I get the chance to be pregnant again and that no matter what that experience will bring, through my faith, I will get through it and be better for it.
I send my most heartfelt love and comfort to any woman who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss. It is a life changing thing. I apologize for my past disregard and indifference to it. It is a hard thing to relate to if you've never experienced something like it. I admire so much those who have lost so much more than I have. You are not alone in your grief. You are amazing.
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Give a hug and encouraging word to those women in your life who still carry the loss of a sweet baby or pregnancy.
