10 Things I've Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

_{10 Years of Marriage}

 
When you get married you get a lot of marriage advice. Some of it is practical, some of it is funny, most of it is nonsense you should forget right away. After three babies and 10 years of marriage I’ve come to a realization about advice. There are some universal nuggets that aid in life, but if it were a one-size-fits-all experience we wouldn’t have needed to come down here and experience it ourselves. We could have sat up in heaven and read about it, and learned and grown all we needed to from that. The fact that we are here is proof that we need to experience life. The ups and downs of life are what qualifies us for eternity. We are on a unique journey, and our navigation through that journey will help us learn and grow into our potential. In other words, we need to fall down and get back up. We need to have the misunderstandings and the epiphany of growth. Ignorance isn’t the enemy when learning and growing is your goal. Those failed experiences are what bonded marriages are made of. Working toward common goals and finding joy together is messy, but it is what unites two people.

 _{So below are the nuggets that I would pull from my experience that are universal. I share a lot of personal and specific things to my relationship with Jordan, but the lessons that came from the circumstances are what universally improve any marriage. They are truths that can be applied to the unique circumstances of any marriage. What qualifies me for making these bold claims, nothing. I have the credentials of an out of work janitor, who has lived off charity for ten years, while trying to impart my limited knowledge and love onto unsuspecting children that call me mom. Given that information I’m not sure I’d read on, but if you do, you’ve been adequately warned at this point.}

_{1.       Learn how to fight!}
            Fight about pizza, or chocolate chip pancakes, or the right way toilet paper goes. Taking two adults and merging habits and preferences inevitably leads to differences. Jordan and I had ‘discussions’ about the right way to put pizza toppings on a pizza; that laundry hampers were for putting dirty clothes in, and not next to; and my personal favorite, we’ll always be poor. 
These were some of our most colorful arguments with raised voices and slamming doors. Down the road when we didn’t see eye-to-eye on things that really mattered, like how to parent, they were always calm, respectful discussions. The small disagreements taught us how to fight. Jordan and I are two very stubborn opinionated people, we had to learn how to discuss differences and work toward common goals in a constructive way. I’m sure glad we had our worst fights about burned chocolate chip pancakes and pizza toppings. I know someone will read this thinking, I didn’t have to fight with my spouse in order to learn how to discuss differences positively…well, bless your heart!

_{2.       No room for roommates!}

_{My relationship with Jordan started as a friendship, at least for me, I was only interested in the friend-zone. He would talk to me about his disastrous dates with girls and life disappointments, and I would offer support and a quick joke to cheer him up. Our friendship has always been effortless, it is the foundation we come back to when we need a romance remodel. For a long time in our marriage we had slipped into, what I call, roommate status. You start just doing what is comfortable and easy. You check the responsibilities boxes and your time together is spent watching a show in the evening, or separately, for us that looks like me reading a book and him playing video games. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with this, which is why it went on for so long. However, a marriage relationship shouldn’t be an auto-pilot union. You shouldn’t be just hanging out all the time, that is what friends are for. This complacency in our marriage led to a lot of heartache down the road. If you know me, you’ve heard me say this before because it some of my favorite advice I ever received. “Do things together that you both don’t hate”. Why do I love it so much? Marriage relationships aren’t meant to be stagnant. They should always be growing and expanding. Like in life, there is no fence sitting in a marriage. I now play video games with my husband, and he attends musicals with me. Once a week we have a no media night, we sit on a couch and talk about everything: religion, life, sadness, funny things, goals-all of it! At the end of the day a husband and wife should be more than roommates. Find a spark, a connection on a deeper level, and make time for things that bring you closer instead of things that are comfortable and easy.}

_{3.       Date night, yes, it is necessary!}

_{This one I struggled with for a long time. I was given this advice when I was first married, and I thought it was the nonsense kind. I thought sitting at home with my husband and hanging out was good enough. I didn’t need to spend money, get a sitter, and have alone time doing something with Jordan. Our priority is kids, and work, and church…right? Wrong! Balance in all things!}

_{The kids will be gone one day and if I pause my relationship with Jordan while we raise kids, what will be left when it is just the two of us again? I have finally embraced the date night, and although it took a long time for me to not spend that time worried about the kids, counting the hours and the resulting babysitter bill, and seeing it as a wasted effort, I now can’t imagine giving it up. We’ve gone on a date once a week for over a year now, and it has not only brought us closer, I feel younger and like I have a life outside my kids with my sweetheart. I get to make new memories with Jordan, and we learn new things about each other as we experience something outside the usual. Date night doesn’t have to be this or that, it can be specific to your family and budget. But it should consist of uninterrupted alone time with your spouse, connecting in a way that is different from everyday life. Sometimes for us its as simple as trying a new cuisine we’ve never eaten and talking and laughing at a restaurant for two hours. Other times its more elaborate like a rock concert where we get home at 1:00am and have to mime to our children about how we lost our voice since they saw us the night before.}

_{4.       Intimacy, it’s more than sex.}

_{Yes, I am going there. I’m not sure why adults act like this is a taboo subject. Sure, the details of one’s sex life is private, but lucky for you that isn’t what I am suggesting when I want to dig into intimacy. Intimacy is so much more than physical connection. Don’t get me wrong, the physical intimacy is HUGE in a healthy marriage. But I believe physical intimacy falls under the non-universal advice that a couple figures out through trial and error. When physical intimacy does need help, there are private trusted sources one should turn to, not the general populous.}

 _{The intimacy I am referring to is essential to every marriage and without feeding it and connecting into it, a marriage will diminish. Non-physical intimacy is a connection through vulnerability. Vulnerability is not the act of over-sharing. In fact, that can be a mask for true vulnerability. To be vulnerable we have to allow another person to see, feel, talk about, and listen to our weaknesses, our strengths and our thoughts. This kind of vulnerability is being spiritually and emotionally intimate with your spouse. For many people being intimate in this way is uncomfortable and something that doesn’t come naturally. Jordan is not an introspective person or a sharer. We had to work to get this kind of connection. It started with questions. The trite, “how was your day”, got switched out for a, “what was the funniest thing that happened today”, or “was there a difficult part of today”. Be targeted and specific when you connect with your spouse. Achieving this level of connection all the time is a pipedream. Work and kids and responsibilities demand our attention and that level of intimacy isn’t a constant thing. But at least once a week this kind of connection should happen. I know in the beginning I said it didn’t have anything to do with sex but give it a try and see if that remains true. 😊}

_{5.       ECG- Equal Communication Goals}

_{If any of you have had any kind of heart problems, you’ll know ECG stands for electrocardiogram. This is a test doctors use to measure the electrical activity of the heartbeat. The heartbeat of a marriage is communication. The level of communication is the measure of a happy healthy marriage.}

None of the above things works without communication. For a while in my marriage, I was the communicator. I am very open and introspective and would communicate with Jordan and he would shallowly respond. On my end, things felt very communicative. However, communication isn’t effective unless it is equal. Each individual has to be communicating in an equal way as listener and contributor. Communication goals should be to grow a deeper connection with each other, share hopes and dreams, build each other up and address concerns or issues. Constructive communication is not accusatory, fault-finding, or self-serving. If you aren’t communicating on a deeper level daily you may need an ECG to figure out where you can improve.

_{6.       Forgive don’t forget}

_{I didn’t truly learn about forgiving my spouse until he betrayed my trust. I had forgiven him for the easy stuff, sure. Forgetting something important to me, not helping around the house or with kids as much as I’d like. Those are standard, reasonable things. But when his selfish choices and years of lying came to light, the forgiveness was not there. Somehow my forgiveness was tied to my ability to logically explain things. Up until this point all the little grievances, I had with him, were not malicious or done out of spite. They were small misunderstandings. I could even forgive his substance abuse problems. I knew a lot about addictions, and I could understand them, so I could grant forgiveness there. When it came to the years of lies to my face and moments of betrayal, I couldn’t make sense of it. To me love was black and white. Love didn’t allow lying, so he must not love me. Well, under that logic I’m not sure there would be many marriages left standing.}

_{If two people still want to try and are willing to CHANGE, a marriage can over-come anything. That was the motivator that pushed me to seeking help. If true change occurs a marriage can be reborn. The person that did damage, must take accountability and be ready to make serious changes. The person that was hurt (I hate the word victim) and suffered must grant forgiveness and be willing to accept the changes of the offender.}

_{So how did I get there? Well, honestly, I went to therapy. I was stuck, I couldn’t let go of my anger at my husband and I couldn’t find a scrap of forgiveness.  Please don’t be afraid of seeing a counselor, for any reason. They can be a huge blessing and tool in your life and your marriage. With that plug, I wish I could say it was the magic wand that made it all better, but it wasn’t. It helped me move out of my pain and mourning of the marriage I thought I had, but I still struggled forgiving the broken trust. Then I prayed.}

_{I’ll get into spirituality and God later, but sometimes forgiveness isn’t something we can find in ourselves. I turned to Christ and for weeks I prayed every morning to help me let go of my anger and find forgiveness. I started to write notes about any positive thing my spouse did. I focused all my energy and attention on the attractive qualities of my husband, and I kept praying. Very slowly, my anger subsided, and my heart softened as he worked tirelessly to change himself.}

_{I added don’t forget to this section, because so many times we are told forgive and forget. This is pretty personal advice, but I’m including it anyway. Part of what helped me out of my victim mentality was seeing this experience as a moment of growth. I could see all the areas of my own life where I could do better and be more. I could see all the new growth and rebirth our marriage was getting from the heartbreak. I don’t want to forget that. I can see how these experiences will help us teach and raise our children. I don’t want to hide this from them. What good are mistakes and trials if we simple box them up and tuck them away. Hard things and pain are not something to be ashamed of or forgotten. They are for our betterment and when we use them to propel us to grow, they become beautiful. Do not use past hurts and mistakes to belittle or chastise each other, look at them together and marvel at how far you have come. Forgive, but never forget.}

_{7.       1+1=2, even after marriage}

_{If you now me, then you know I’ve never been great at math. However, I’ve checked this, and the math is solid.}

_{Yes, in a marriage you become one. Your goals, desires, efforts and so on -it all is focused and channeled together. But you are still two individuals. You have different likes and dislikes. You think differently and see the world differently. These things should not go away when you get married. Maintaining individuality within a marriage is healthy. You should have a support group around you outside of your spouse. It is ok to have hobbies the other doesn’t have. Cultivate your own growth and then come together and share it with each other. Carving out time for yourself is essential to being able to give and sustain a selfless love in a marriage. Find the things that fill you up and bring you joy and do them.}

_{8.       Family, the great game changer}

_{This is two-fold, regarding your own family that you’ll have with your spouse when you have kids, and the families you left when you got married.}

_{So many people loved to tell me when I was getting married that you don’t marry the family, so don’t get too hung up on it. Well, that is just wrong. Unless your spouse has no family, or no contact with them, you most certainly do marry the family. Our two families could not be further alike if we tried. Totally different worlds. I spent a lot of time trying to label things right or wrong. Once I let go of right and wrong, it just became different. Different doesn’t make anyone choose sides. Your spouse’s family may be different than yours, or they may be two-peas in a pod. Your only job is to accept them as important people in your spouse’s life. You aren’t required to become besties with them (although, if that happens it’s great), but you should never put your spouse in a me or them situation. Ask them questions about things that you find to be different. Look at the difference as a chance to expand your perspectives.}

_{Secondly, everything gets turned upside down when you have kids. Before kids, talk about kids a lot. You want to be on the same page as much as possible when it comes to having and raising kids. Each one is going to be a different experience, but if you have common goals and shared tactics things go smoother. Above all, show your kids what a great marriage looks like, don’t just tell them. They should be able to tell that you are number one to each other. If your marriage and relationship is strong, their level of comfort and security is strong. Never put your marriage’s health on hold for the sake of your children. If something seems like it is happening at the expense of your children talk about it. The great secret to adulting is becoming an expert level prioritizer (hey, extra unsolicited advice😊). In our house it is God, our marriage, our family and everything else comes after that.}  

_{9.       Go Team!}

_{For reals, never wanted to be a cheerleader, never liked a cheerleader, and find the whole organized cheerleading annoying. But you are listening to a bonified cheerleader since 2009. So get a pair of sparkly pom-poms, a very short skirt (your husband won’t complain), and start yelling cliched cheers in your spouses direction.}

_{Seriously though, you should be your spouses’ number one fan. Their biggest supporter. You should look for ways to build them up if they are lacking motivation. You should be quick with a positive praise after they’ve achieved something. Make it genuine. Make it specific. Make it count. You know your spouse better than anyone, which qualifies you to be the perfect cheerleader. So in case this isn’t obvious, go cheer your spouse on!}

_{10.   God.}

_{It doesn’t matter what religion, or lack of you affiliate with. Marriage needs a spiritual component to be healthy and long-lasting. God is central in my marriage and we build around that. Two imperfect people that keep trying are still imperfect at the end of the day. There are mistakes, there are flaws, there is hurt. The joy that comes from the inevitable downs in a marriage (and life for that matter) comes from God. Having faith that there is more to life than death; believing that I have a Savior, Jesus Christ that walks beside me and grants me grace; and knowing that I am a child of God brings me joy. I know that no matter what I will be ok, that isn’t to say things won’t suck or be hard, but I know that I will still find joy eventually.}

_{My marriage could end tomorrow, all Jordan has to do is decide he is done, and there isn’t anything I can do. When we get married, we give a portion of control over to our spouse. They now have the power to affect us with their choices. That can be scary if it is all you have to go on. I find peace and comfort knowing that even though he has the power to hurt me or end our marriage, he doesn’t have the power to take away my joy. 
I have placed my heart in Christ and faith in God. That is a perfect companionship, one that will never hurt or betray me, and one that will always grant me joy if I turn to it. Have a spiritual grounding outside of your relationship. Something to feed your soul and protect your heart. Something that you can draw strength from when everyone else has failed you.}

         _{Ten years is a little} blip on the map when looking at a lifetime with someone. I’m sure those older than me will get a kick out of this, and those younger will think it doesn’t apply. But writing this down has been a reflection of the work and love I have built with Jordan. Someday I will share it with my kids and we can laugh and talk about it. Until then, I’ll keep learning, growing, changing and loving in my marriage.