10
Years of Marriage
When you get married you get a lot of marriage advice. Some of it is practical, some of it is funny, most of it is nonsense you should forget right away. After three babies and 10 years of marriage I’ve come to a realization about advice. There are some universal nuggets that aid in life, but if it were a one-size-fits-all experience we wouldn’t have needed to come down here and experience it ourselves. We could have sat up in heaven and read about it, and learned and grown all we needed to from that. The fact that we are here is proof that we need to experience life. The ups and downs of life are what qualifies us for eternity. We are on a unique journey, and our navigation through that journey will help us learn and grow into our potential. In other words, we need to fall down and get back up. We need to have the misunderstandings and the epiphany of growth. Ignorance isn’t the enemy when learning and growing is your goal. Those failed experiences are what bonded marriages are made of. Working toward common goals and finding joy together is messy, but it is what unites two people.
When you get married you get a lot of marriage advice. Some of it is practical, some of it is funny, most of it is nonsense you should forget right away. After three babies and 10 years of marriage I’ve come to a realization about advice. There are some universal nuggets that aid in life, but if it were a one-size-fits-all experience we wouldn’t have needed to come down here and experience it ourselves. We could have sat up in heaven and read about it, and learned and grown all we needed to from that. The fact that we are here is proof that we need to experience life. The ups and downs of life are what qualifies us for eternity. We are on a unique journey, and our navigation through that journey will help us learn and grow into our potential. In other words, we need to fall down and get back up. We need to have the misunderstandings and the epiphany of growth. Ignorance isn’t the enemy when learning and growing is your goal. Those failed experiences are what bonded marriages are made of. Working toward common goals and finding joy together is messy, but it is what unites two people.
So below are the nuggets that I would pull
from my experience that are universal. I share a lot of personal and specific
things to my relationship with Jordan, but the lessons that came from the
circumstances are what universally improve any marriage. They are truths that
can be applied to the unique circumstances of any marriage. What qualifies me
for making these bold claims, nothing. I have the credentials of an out of work
janitor, who has lived off charity for ten years, while trying to impart my
limited knowledge and love onto unsuspecting children that call me mom. Given
that information I’m not sure I’d read on, but if you do, you’ve been adequately
warned at this point.
1. Learn
how to fight!
Fight about pizza, or chocolate chip pancakes, or the right way toilet paper goes. Taking two adults and merging habits and preferences inevitably leads to differences. Jordan and I had ‘discussions’ about the right way to put pizza toppings on a pizza; that laundry hampers were for putting dirty clothes in, and not next to; and my personal favorite, we’ll always be poor.
These were some of our most colorful arguments with raised voices and slamming doors. Down the road when we didn’t see eye-to-eye on things that really mattered, like how to parent, they were always calm, respectful discussions. The small disagreements taught us how to fight. Jordan and I are two very stubborn opinionated people, we had to learn how to discuss differences and work toward common goals in a constructive way. I’m sure glad we had our worst fights about burned chocolate chip pancakes and pizza toppings. I know someone will read this thinking, I didn’t have to fight with my spouse in order to learn how to discuss differences positively…well, bless your heart!
Fight about pizza, or chocolate chip pancakes, or the right way toilet paper goes. Taking two adults and merging habits and preferences inevitably leads to differences. Jordan and I had ‘discussions’ about the right way to put pizza toppings on a pizza; that laundry hampers were for putting dirty clothes in, and not next to; and my personal favorite, we’ll always be poor.
These were some of our most colorful arguments with raised voices and slamming doors. Down the road when we didn’t see eye-to-eye on things that really mattered, like how to parent, they were always calm, respectful discussions. The small disagreements taught us how to fight. Jordan and I are two very stubborn opinionated people, we had to learn how to discuss differences and work toward common goals in a constructive way. I’m sure glad we had our worst fights about burned chocolate chip pancakes and pizza toppings. I know someone will read this thinking, I didn’t have to fight with my spouse in order to learn how to discuss differences positively…well, bless your heart!
2. No
room for roommates!
My
relationship with Jordan started as a friendship, at least for me, I was only interested
in the friend-zone. He would talk to me about his disastrous dates with girls
and life disappointments, and I would offer support and a quick joke to cheer
him up. Our friendship has always been effortless, it is the foundation we come
back to when we need a romance remodel. For a long time in our marriage we had
slipped into, what I call, roommate status. You start just doing what is
comfortable and easy. You check the responsibilities boxes and your time together
is spent watching a show in the evening, or separately, for us that looks like
me reading a book and him playing video games. There isn’t anything inherently
wrong with this, which is why it went on for so long. However, a marriage relationship
shouldn’t be an auto-pilot union. You shouldn’t be just hanging out all the time,
that is what friends are for. This complacency in our marriage led to a lot of
heartache down the road. If you know me, you’ve heard me say this before because
it some of my favorite advice I ever received. “Do things together that you
both don’t hate”. Why do I love it so much? Marriage relationships aren’t meant
to be stagnant. They should always be growing and expanding. Like in life, there
is no fence sitting in a marriage. I now play video games with my husband,
and he attends musicals with me. Once a week we have a no media night, we sit
on a couch and talk about everything: religion, life, sadness, funny things, goals-all
of it! At the end of the day a husband and wife should be more than roommates.
Find a spark, a connection on a deeper level, and make time for things that
bring you closer instead of things that are comfortable and easy.
3. Date
night, yes, it is necessary!
This
one I struggled with for a long time. I was given this advice when I was first married,
and I thought it was the nonsense kind. I thought sitting at home with my husband
and hanging out was good enough. I didn’t need to spend money, get a sitter, and
have alone time doing something with Jordan. Our priority is kids, and work,
and church…right? Wrong! Balance in all things!
The
kids will be gone one day and if I pause my relationship with Jordan while we
raise kids, what will be left when it is just the two of us again? I have
finally embraced the date night, and although it took a long time for me to not
spend that time worried about the kids, counting the hours and the resulting babysitter
bill, and seeing it as a wasted effort, I now can’t imagine giving it up. We’ve
gone on a date once a week for over a year now, and it has not only brought us
closer, I feel younger and like I have a life outside my kids with my sweetheart.
I get to make new memories with Jordan, and we learn new things about each
other as we experience something outside the usual. Date night doesn’t have to
be this or that, it can be specific to your family and budget. But it should
consist of uninterrupted alone time with your spouse, connecting in a way that is
different from everyday life. Sometimes for us its as simple as trying a new cuisine
we’ve never eaten and talking and laughing at a restaurant for two hours. Other
times its more elaborate like a rock concert where we get home at 1:00am and
have to mime to our children about how we lost our voice since they saw us the
night before.
Yes,
I am going there. I’m not sure why adults act like this is a taboo subject. Sure,
the details of one’s sex life is private, but lucky for you that isn’t what I
am suggesting when I want to dig into intimacy. Intimacy is so much more than
physical connection. Don’t get me wrong, the physical intimacy is HUGE in a
healthy marriage. But I believe physical intimacy falls under the non-universal
advice that a couple figures out through trial and error. When physical
intimacy does need help, there are private trusted sources one should turn to,
not the general populous.
The intimacy I am referring to is essential to
every marriage and without feeding it and connecting into it, a marriage will diminish.
Non-physical intimacy is a connection through vulnerability. Vulnerability is
not the act of over-sharing. In fact, that can be a mask for true vulnerability.
To be vulnerable we have to allow another person to see, feel, talk about, and
listen to our weaknesses, our strengths and our thoughts. This kind of vulnerability
is being spiritually and emotionally intimate with your spouse. For many people
being intimate in this way is uncomfortable and something that doesn’t come naturally.
Jordan is not an introspective person or a sharer. We had to work to get this
kind of connection. It started with questions. The trite, “how was your day”,
got switched out for a, “what was the funniest thing that happened today”, or “was
there a difficult part of today”. Be targeted and specific when you connect
with your spouse. Achieving this level of connection all the time is a pipedream.
Work and kids and responsibilities demand our attention and that level of
intimacy isn’t a constant thing. But at least once a week this kind of connection
should happen. I know in the beginning I said it didn’t have anything to do
with sex but give it a try and see if that remains true. 😊
5. ECG-
Equal Communication Goals
If
any of you have had any kind of heart problems, you’ll know ECG stands for
electrocardiogram. This is a test doctors use to measure the electrical
activity of the heartbeat. The heartbeat of a marriage is communication. The
level of communication is the measure of a happy healthy marriage.
None
of the above things works without communication. For a while in my marriage, I
was the communicator. I am very open and introspective and would communicate
with Jordan and he would shallowly respond. On my end, things felt very communicative.
However, communication isn’t effective unless it is equal. Each individual has
to be communicating in an equal way as listener and contributor. Communication
goals should be to grow a deeper connection with each other, share hopes and
dreams, build each other up and address concerns or issues. Constructive
communication is not accusatory, fault-finding, or self-serving. If you aren’t
communicating on a deeper level daily you may need an ECG to figure out where you
can improve.
6. Forgive
don’t forget
I didn’t truly learn
about forgiving my spouse until he betrayed my trust. I had forgiven him for
the easy stuff, sure. Forgetting something important to me, not helping around
the house or with kids as much as I’d like. Those are standard, reasonable things.
But when his selfish choices and years of lying came to light, the forgiveness
was not there. Somehow my forgiveness was tied to my ability to logically
explain things. Up until this point all the little grievances, I had with him,
were not malicious or done out of spite. They were small misunderstandings. I
could even forgive his substance abuse problems. I knew a lot about addictions,
and I could understand them, so I could grant forgiveness there. When it came
to the years of lies to my face and moments of betrayal, I couldn’t make sense of
it. To me love was black and white. Love didn’t allow lying, so he must not
love me. Well, under that logic I’m not sure there would be many marriages left
standing.
If two people still want
to try and are willing to CHANGE, a marriage can over-come anything. That was
the motivator that pushed me to seeking help. If true change occurs a marriage
can be reborn. The person that did damage, must take accountability and be
ready to make serious changes. The person that was hurt (I hate the word victim)
and suffered must grant forgiveness and be willing to accept the changes of the
offender.
So how did I get there?
Well, honestly, I went to therapy. I was stuck, I couldn’t let go of my anger
at my husband and I couldn’t find a scrap of forgiveness. Please don’t be afraid of seeing a counselor, for
any reason. They can be a huge blessing and tool in your life and your
marriage. With that plug, I wish I could say it was the magic wand that made it
all better, but it wasn’t. It helped me move out of my pain and mourning of the
marriage I thought I had, but I still struggled forgiving the broken trust.
Then I prayed.
I’ll get into spirituality
and God later, but sometimes forgiveness isn’t something we can find in
ourselves. I turned to Christ and for weeks I prayed every morning to help me
let go of my anger and find forgiveness. I started to write notes about any
positive thing my spouse did. I focused all my energy and attention on the attractive
qualities of my husband, and I kept praying. Very slowly, my anger subsided,
and my heart softened as he worked tirelessly to change himself.
I added don’t forget to
this section, because so many times we are told forgive and forget. This is pretty
personal advice, but I’m including it anyway. Part of what helped me out of my
victim mentality was seeing this experience as a moment of growth. I could see
all the areas of my own life where I could do better and be more. I could see
all the new growth and rebirth our marriage was getting from the heartbreak. I
don’t want to forget that. I can see how these experiences will help us teach
and raise our children. I don’t want to hide this from them. What good are
mistakes and trials if we simple box them up and tuck them away. Hard things
and pain are not something to be ashamed of or forgotten. They are for our betterment
and when we use them to propel us to grow, they become beautiful. Do not use
past hurts and mistakes to belittle or chastise each other, look at them together
and marvel at how far you have come. Forgive, but never forget.
7. 1+1=2,
even after marriage
If you now me, then you
know I’ve never been great at math. However, I’ve checked this, and the math is
solid.
Yes, in a marriage you
become one. Your goals, desires, efforts and so on -it all is focused and
channeled together. But you are still two individuals. You have different likes
and dislikes. You think differently and see the world differently. These things
should not go away when you get married. Maintaining individuality within a
marriage is healthy. You should have a support group around you outside of your
spouse. It is ok to have hobbies the other doesn’t have. Cultivate your own growth
and then come together and share it with each other. Carving out time for
yourself is essential to being able to give and sustain a selfless love in a marriage.
Find the things that fill you up and bring you joy and do them.
This is two-fold,
regarding your own family that you’ll have with your spouse when you have kids,
and the families you left when you got married.
So many people loved to
tell me when I was getting married that you don’t marry the family, so don’t
get too hung up on it. Well, that is just wrong. Unless your spouse has no family,
or no contact with them, you most certainly do marry the family. Our two
families could not be further alike if we tried. Totally different worlds. I
spent a lot of time trying to label things right or wrong. Once I let go of
right and wrong, it just became different. Different doesn’t make anyone choose
sides. Your spouse’s family may be different than yours, or they may be
two-peas in a pod. Your only job is to accept them as important people in your spouse’s
life. You aren’t required to become besties with them (although, if that
happens it’s great), but you should never put your spouse in a me or them
situation. Ask them questions about things that you find to be different. Look at the difference as a chance to expand your perspectives.
Secondly, everything gets
turned upside down when you have kids. Before kids, talk about kids a lot. You
want to be on the same page as much as possible when it comes to having and
raising kids. Each one is going to be a different experience, but if you have
common goals and shared tactics things go smoother. Above all, show your kids
what a great marriage looks like, don’t just tell them. They should be able to
tell that you are number one to each other. If your marriage and relationship is
strong, their level of comfort and security is strong. Never put your marriage’s
health on hold for the sake of your children. If something seems like it is
happening at the expense of your children talk about it. The great secret to
adulting is becoming an expert level prioritizer (hey, extra unsolicited advice😊). In our house it is
God, our marriage, our family and everything else comes after that.
For reals, never wanted
to be a cheerleader, never liked a cheerleader, and find the whole organized
cheerleading annoying. But you are listening to a bonified cheerleader since
2009. So get a pair of sparkly pom-poms, a very short skirt (your husband won’t
complain), and start yelling cliched cheers in your spouses direction.
Seriously though, you
should be your spouses’ number one fan. Their biggest supporter. You should
look for ways to build them up if they are lacking motivation. You should be
quick with a positive praise after they’ve achieved something. Make it genuine.
Make it specific. Make it count. You know your spouse better than anyone, which
qualifies you to be the perfect cheerleader. So in case this isn’t obvious, go
cheer your spouse on!
10. God.
It doesn’t matter what
religion, or lack of you affiliate with. Marriage needs a spiritual component to
be healthy and long-lasting. God is central in my marriage and we build around
that. Two imperfect people that keep trying are still imperfect at the end of
the day. There are mistakes, there are flaws, there is hurt. The joy that comes
from the inevitable downs in a marriage (and life for that matter) comes from God.
Having faith that there is more to life than death; believing that I have a Savior,
Jesus Christ that walks beside me and grants me grace; and knowing that I am a child of God brings me joy. I know that no matter what I will be ok, that isn’t
to say things won’t suck or be hard, but I know that I will still find joy
eventually.
My marriage could end
tomorrow, all Jordan has to do is decide he is done, and there isn’t anything I
can do. When we get married, we give a portion of control over to our spouse.
They now have the power to affect us with their choices. That can be scary if
it is all you have to go on. I find peace and comfort knowing that even though
he has the power to hurt me or end our marriage, he doesn’t have the power to take
away my joy.
I have placed my heart in Christ and faith in God. That is a perfect companionship, one that will never hurt or betray me, and one that will always grant me joy if I turn to it. Have a spiritual grounding outside of your relationship. Something to feed your soul and protect your heart. Something that you can draw strength from when everyone else has failed you.
I have placed my heart in Christ and faith in God. That is a perfect companionship, one that will never hurt or betray me, and one that will always grant me joy if I turn to it. Have a spiritual grounding outside of your relationship. Something to feed your soul and protect your heart. Something that you can draw strength from when everyone else has failed you.
Ten
years is a little blip on the map when looking at a lifetime
with someone. I’m sure those older than me will get a kick out of this, and
those younger will think it doesn’t apply. But writing this down has been a reflection
of the work and love I have built with Jordan. Someday I will share it with my
kids and we can laugh and talk about it. Until then, I’ll keep learning,
growing, changing and loving in my marriage.
No comments:
Post a Comment